A Pressing Need For Transport

So far, 2012 has been the busiest year yet for the Triffid Ranch, and 2013 may get to be even more extreme. All of this year’s shows as well as the Bram Stoker Awards Weekend in New Orleans, as well as a few one-day shows, and the rough edges of a classic nugget of business advice keep poking me in the back. Namely, “never buy when you can rent, until you lose money by renting instead of buying.” When it comes to transport, the Triffid Ranch is hitting that wall.

Running a very small nursery means avoiding a lot of aggravations faced by larger nurseries. Sticking to complete arrangements and full display solutions means leaving mail order to good friends who already do it much better, as well as my being able to sell larger plants than what can be shipped at a feasible price. However, those plants still need to get to their markets, at an affordable price, and the number of shows and the volume of plants at them means that it’s time to move past rental trucks. The day when the Triffid Ranch needs a 24-foot box truck is still a few years away, and then there are the ancillary issues.

To start, the transport vehicle needs to do its stated job and do it well. It needs to have a few absolutely essential traits, such as having exceptional suspension (I lost several beautiful arrangements in 2010 after being unable to avoid a bad bump in a 12-foot cube truck) and plenty of storage space for tools that doesn’t require having to crawl over plant racks to get at them. It needs to seat at least two, with the possible option of seating for a third. During the summer, air conditioning is essential, and “summer” in Texas and other environs at this latitude means “everything from the end of April to the middle of October.” Having something with reasonably decent gas mileage would be nice as well, with an option of using alternate fuels such as ethanol or biodiesel. (Again, this isn’t a hippie dippie requirement. This is just good old-fashioned Scottish frugality kicking in, especially with the number of farmers in Texas moving toward converting their spare cotton seed or excess sorghum into biodiesel. We’ll only see more of it if industrial hemp production finally gets legalized in the US.) It has to park well, have decent clearance for most bridges, and be able to get into hotel parking garages. Oh, and did I mention that the inside being able to be hosed or squeegeed clean would be a plus?

Then there’s the image that the Triffid Ranch is trying to impart with its transport. There’s nothing wrong with standard cargo vans: the Ford E-Series van is a U-Haul workhorse for a reason. As interesting as the Ford Transit Connects are, they’re just a little too small. Nissan’s NV3500 HD high roof might make the most sense of all, as far as a new vehicle is concerned, but I haven’t heard enough about their longterm dependability yet. However, there’s something missing.

That “something missing”, by the way, is NOT in a hearse. When I first started the hunt for a new vehicle, plenty of well-meaning friends figured “Man, dragging carnivorous plants to a show in a hearse would be COOL!” Well, not really. The Czarina did a lot of research into hearses when she was younger (and I emphasize the “youngER”), during her band days. Firstly, hearses are designed for transporting one sort of payload. Yes, they have great suspension, but that suspension tends to blow out at the worst possible time. The gas mileage is terrible, especially for cross-country trips. Pulling racks and tubs full of plants out of a hearse is a great way to help a lower back specialist pay for her son’s new braces. The low ceiling means a limit on the size of the biggest item being moved. Oh, yeah, and with big windows, leaving it in the sun even for a few minutes with the AC off is problematic. They’re great for the relatively short trips for which they’re designed, but you do NOT want to have one break down in an area where the nearest hearse mechanic may be two days away.

So this isn’t something that would be on the road incessantly, but that requires experts for when it does need TLC. High ceilings, doors at the side and back, and auxiliary storage accessible from outside the vehicle. Good presence, good handling, and an interior that could be sprayed down. Oh, and an exterior that could be given a perfectly appropriate paint job. What’s wrong with buying a used ambulance?

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4 responses to “A Pressing Need For Transport

  1. I know a couple of people who have purchased used ambulances to be used as campers. Lots! Of! Drawers! And! Cubbies! It can be difficult to find someone to service them, though, and I’m told that the DMV sometimes has a hard time figuring out what to classify them as.

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  2. Check out a Ram C/V at your local Dodge dealer. Look for one with panel sides.

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  3. I’d offer you a grey Ford Econoline (just paint over the possum on the side) but it fails a couple of your requirements spectacularly. Nevertheless, we do have one and we’d let it go for less than four figures.

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